


The Talk, Or: The (Lighthearted) Trauma of Teddy R. Lupin

by cafei_au_lei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming of Age, Fluff, Humor, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafei_au_lei/pseuds/cafei_au_lei
Summary: Teddy knew when Dad brought out the firewhiskey that something was suspicious. Then again, maybe he wasn't giving Dad enough credit for being the cool parent. AU. Remus and Tonks survive to raise their son and give him The Dreaded Talk. Oneshot.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 44





	The Talk, Or: The (Lighthearted) Trauma of Teddy R. Lupin

Teddy Lupin was enjoying a rare “boys weekend” with his father. Mum was off on a work trip, and since Dad was home for the summer holidays, Teddy had woken up on Saturday to the smell of drop scones, fried eggs, and extra crispy bacon - his favorite breakfast. They’d spent the morning playing Exploding Snap (Teddy won) while listening to the wireless (Teddy had let Dad choose the station, and though the jazz bored him half to sleep, he figured it was only fair since Teddy had chosen the game and he knew Dad  _ hated _ Exploding Snap). After lunch, they went on a walk - Teddy loved all the different plants, herbs, and flowers that bloomed in the woods near their house this time of year, and long, fragrant walks through the cool shade of the trees had become one of his favorite summer activities. Dad had even let him use the family camera as they identified various flowers and the occasional wildlife - and Teddy had a feeling that he might find a camera of his own under the Christmas tree this year, judging by Dad’s poorly concealed hints and questions as to what Teddy liked most about the camera. 

“Some of the magical features are cool, but I think I like just regular old muggle film cameras,” Teddy said. 

“Really?” Dad replied. “The pictures won’t move if you’re working with a muggle camera, you know. With this one it’s nice because you at least have the option for magical or muggle-style pictures. You don’t have the option to choose if you have a muggle camera.” 

“Yeah, but that’s alright. I mostly take pictures of flowers anyway. And I think there’s something kind of cool about capturing a singular, still moment in time. Like you have one chance to get it right. It makes it more fun.” He paused, leaning over a fallen log to peer through the viewfinder at an intricate spider’s web stretched over the opening, glistening with dew. He snapped a picture. “It’s a thing now, you know.  _ Everyone _ has muggle-style stills hanging up in the dorms at school. It’s like, retro. It’s cool.” 

Dad hummed thoughtfully. “Retro. Alright, interesting. What’s that one, Ted?” He gestured to a purple flower.

Teddy scoffed. “Foxglove, Dad. Easy.” 

Later that night, they were sitting in the living room after finishing their pizza - Dad had let him get the meat lovers option for once, though Teddy had seen him mopping off some of the grease with a napkin and a poorly disguised expression of disgust - and watched a sci-fi movie. It was a nice end to the day. Though he was too embarrassed to really say it out loud, Teddy always loved when Dad was home for the summer holidays and they could do stuff like this more often. 

Most of the time, Teddy was told that he took after Mum more; there was of course the whole Metamorphmagus thing, but it was more than that. He was loud, especially when his friends were in the room with him; he loved wearing crazy colors both in his hair and his clothing, he was messy, and they had the same taste in music. Whenever Mum was home there was some loud punk record playing on repeat, much to Dad’s chagrin. And he knew Mum would always back him up on his fashion choices (“Oh, leave poor Teddy alone; ripped jeans are  _ cool _ , Remus!” “I just don’t understand why anyone would pay  _ more _ money for an article of clothing that consists of  _ less _ fabric than it’s supposed to have, Dora!”). 

But he really liked when he got to spend time with Dad. Sometimes it was nice to just take it easy and kind of...chill. Dad was always very  _ chill. _ Everyone just assumed Mum was the “cool parent” because she was an Auror with funky hair and piercings and an outgoing personality and Dad was the professor who dressed like...well, like a professor. But Dad was honestly the one Teddy went to first whenever he needed advice. Whenever he had done something wrong or when he had bad marks on an exam, he would sheepishly knock on Dad’s office door, Dad would usher him in and make a cup of tea, and they’d discuss what had gone wrong and how Teddy should approach telling Mum. Dad always insisted Teddy tell Mum himself about his grades or if he got detention - something about personal responsibility, or some such rubbish - but every once in a while, Dad would get that look in his eye like there was some private joke he was laughing at and he’d mention offhandedly that Mum didn’t necessarily need to know about  _ every _ single detention.

Another thing that Mum and Teddy had in common was their temper, but Teddy could rarely remember Dad raising his voice. He preferred to talk things over calmly whenever there was a problem. Which was sometimes a source of frustration for Teddy (and he suspected Mum as well) because it was so much easier to just get angry and  _ yell _ , but when he was in trouble he had to admit he much preferred Dad’s method.

Whenever it was just him and Dad, they could just sit together on the sofa and read in silence or watch a movie or whatever and it was cool. Dad was teaching Teddy how to get better at chess and was always asking about the comic books Teddy was reading and though Teddy groaned at most of his jokes, every once in a while it struck him that even for a dad, his father did have a pretty good sense of humor. A lot of his friends told Teddy that Professor Lupin was their favorite professor, and while Teddy scoffed and acted embarrassed, secretly he was proud and rather pleased that his friends thought his dad was funny and cool, too.

Teddy could see that Dad was nodding off as the movie finished. He got up quietly, internally debating whether he should wake Dad or just let him sleep on the sofa, though he figured the latter might lead to some killer back pain in the morning and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be an accomplice to that, considering the fact that Dad was finally just finishing recovering from his last transformation a few days prior. But as he turned off the TV, Dad suddenly seemed to shake himself awake, clearing his throat abruptly as he shifted to sit up straight.

“Think you might’ve missed the ending there,” Teddy said, smiling slightly. 

“I caught enough of it,” Dad replied hoarsely. “Sorry, Ted. You know that watching television on this couch is more effective than a Draught of Living Death for your old father.” 

“S’alright. This one wasn’t my favorite anyway, you didn’t miss much. Heading to bed then, Dad?”

“Not quite yet, Teddy. Hold on just one second.” 

Dad stood, appearing quite awake now, and after a brief disappearance into the kitchen, he came back with two glasses and a bottle of firewhiskey. Teddy’s eyebrows shot up.

“I figured you’re old enough for a bit of this now,” Dad said, smiling slightly as he poured himself a glass and then poured a smaller portion for Teddy. 

Teddy had recently turned fifteen, and he wasn’t about to tell his father that he’d already had some experience with firewhiskey at school, though he had a sneaking suspicion that Dad already knew that. However, he was never allowed to drink at home, so this was...strange, to say the least. He gave his father a suspicious look when he handed over the glass.

“It’s really alright,” Dad reassured him. “Go on, Ted. Cheers.” He clinked his glass against Teddy’s, and Teddy took a tentative sip, wincing as the alcohol burned his throat. 

He thought again about how Dad never got enough credit for being cool. 

But his suspicion swiftly returned when Dad cleared his throat, suddenly looking vaguely uncomfortable. “So, Teddy. You’re fifteen now. Your mum and I can hardly believe it. I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.” 

Teddy raised his eyebrows, waiting for Dad to continue. “Okay…”

“Erm...your mum and I…” Dad winced. “Your mum and I have been chatting, and there’s something we wanted to talk to you about.” 

_ I knew it.  _ “Mum’s not pregnant, is she?” Teddy blurted. Dad looked startled.

“Oh, no, it’s not that. Why did you think that?”

“Thank god,” Teddy breathed. “I dunno, I just...anyway, go on, Dad.” 

“Good to know where you stand on that, though,” Dad said, giving him an odd look. “Er - that’s actually quite a good segue into what I wanted to talk to you about, in fact.” 

Teddy’s stomach dropped. “Oh, Dad, no-” 

Dad continued, raising his voice slightly to talk over Teddy’s protests. “So - er - you know when a man and a woman love each other - or a man and a man or a woman and a woman, it doesn’t matter - and they don’t even have to love each other, really, maybe they just like each other a lot, yeah? So when two people really get on well -” 

“Oh, my god. Oh my  _ god. _ ” Teddy couldn’t believe what was happening. This was decidedly  _ not _ cool. He took back all of his prior musings - his dad was probably the  _ least  _ cool person Teddy could think of right now. His only hope was that whatever was coming would give him some funny anecdotes to tell to Victoire. He knew she would die laughing at the thought of “Professor Lupin” giving Teddy  _ this _ lecture, of all things.

“Teddy, listen to me.” Dad was using his professor voice now, which only served to make this about ten times weirder. “Regardless of whether you’re spending time with a man or a woman, there’s...erm...there are certain...precautions one must take. Certain things one must know. To be able to enjoy each other and - er - stay safe at the same time.” It was clear Dad had rehearsed this. Teddy would have laughed at the thought of his father practicing this speech to himself in the mirror that morning if he wasn’t so horrified that this conversation was actually happening. A nagging thought in the back of his mind told him that really, at his age he should have known to expect it, but he’d been thinking lately that maybe he’d gotten lucky and his parents had just decided he could safely figure out everything on his own. Wishful thinking, apparently.

“Dad,” Teddy blurted out, his face reddening, “Dad,  _ stop _ . I  _ know _ what sex is.” 

“I mean,” Dad continued, making intent eye contact with a spot somewhere over Teddy’s left shoulder, “We should have given you this talk sooner, honestly, and I just want to be sure that you’re really aware of -”

“I’ve known for years, Dad. I mean, older kids at school talk about it all the time. Like, anything you’re going to tell me about, I’m pretty sure I already know.” Dad raised an eyebrow and Teddy suddenly realized he really didn’t want to go further down that particular line of questioning, so he frantically cast about for a way to steer the conversation away. “And also there’ve been a few times...um...where I’ve heard you and Mum...er...you know. Doin’ the do.” Teddy scuffed his foot nervously against the sofa.

Dad immediately went pale. “You what?” His voice pitched up on the second word. Teddy had a feeling that maybe this was a bad idea, for while he thought this would give him the upper hand in whatever this horror of a conversation was turning out to be, he realized that there was no way to talk about this without causing excruciating embarrassment for  _ both _ of them. 

“I dunno,” Teddy mumbled, playing with his glass. “There must be something wonky with the silencing charms you cast because the way my bed is positioned in my room, I dunno if it’s the wall my bed is against, sometimes I can kind of hear -”

“Teddy, why didn’t you tell us?” Dad looked horrified. “Oh, Merlin. I’m  _ so  _ sorry -”

“Is there a reason it’s always Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, though? Like, is that normal or is that just because of Mum’s schedule or something?” Teddy made a face. “Do  _ all  _ adults like...plan sex? It’s like, work, dinner, sex, check. It just seems like maybe it’s a bit boring?”

Dad’s mouth kept opening and closing but he seemed to have trouble formulating proper words. “ _ Ted - _ ”

“It’s okay. It’s kind of cool you guys follow, like, a schedule because I know when to put on my headphones or go over to Victoire’s,” Teddy finished. “And, like, Victoire said it’s good that you guys still...you know...do stuff because it means you have a healthy relationship and all that. Which is...you know, good.” Teddy now felt as if  _ he  _ were the one trying to console his father rather than the other way around. This wasn’t quite how this sort of talk was supposed to go, was it?

“Teddy,” Dad said, his voice cracking slightly, “why didn’t you ever  _ say _ anything?”

“What was I  _ supposed _ to say?” Teddy said loudly, panicking slightly. “‘Hey, Dad, I can hear you and Mum having a shag every Tuesday night approximately ten minutes after you think I’ve gone to bed, could you please keep it down a bit?’”

“Yes!” Dad cried. “Absolutely anything like that would have worked, yes! You could’ve left us a note if you felt uncomfortable telling us in person! I didn’t - the charms - oh, Merlin. You could have even knocked on the wall! Merlin, we’re horrible parents.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked down into his firewhiskey as if he was considering drowning himself in it. Suddenly his head shot back up as he looked at his son, his eyes widening. “And you’ve talked to  _ Victoire _ about this?!”

“Yes! I mean,  _ she  _ accidentally walked in on Bill and Fleur once - thankfully she didn’t see much, but still, she couldn’t even bear to sit down at the dinner table for like a week, ate in her room instead. Absolutely bonkers. So my experience doesn’t quite compare, but -” 

“Teddy!”

“ _ What _ ? Why are you yelling at  _ me? _ ”

“I’m not yelling!” Dad yelled. Or as close as Dad could come to actually yelling, anyway. “I’m just trying to process the fact that your mum and I have utterly traumatized our only child!” 

“Dad! I don’t need like...therapy or anything.” Teddy rolled his eyes. 

“Teddy, I’m so sorry. That’s absolutely...I feel horrible.” 

“I mean, it’s kinda gross, yeah,” Teddy replied, scrunching up his nose. “I guess I shoulda just told you. But maybe you can just check your room? And see what’s going on with the charms or something? And maybe fucking obliviate me too, while you’re at it. I don’t want to remember this conversation in the morning. And please don’t tell me to watch my language right now.” Dad glared at him for a moment before taking a deep breath through his nose.

“Okay,” Dad said. “Okay.” He glanced at the firewhiskey with a look of defeat before refilling his glass. After a brief moment of thought, he refilled Teddy’s as well, giving him much more of a generous pour this time around. 

“Don’t tell your Mum about this or she’ll have my head,” Dad warned.

“What, the firewhiskey or you bungling the sex talk?” 

Dad rolled his eyes. “Both,” he said drily. “But I’m referring mainly to the firewhiskey. I’ll tell her about our...er...talk.” He cleared his throat. “Which we still haven’t finished, by the way.”

“Dad, I know what a contraceptive charm is. I  _ know _ all this stuff. I really don’t want to talk about it.  _ Please.  _ This is, like,  _ so  _ weird and you’re being  _ so  _ weird and -  _ argh _ -” he leaned his head back till he banged it against the wall, then banged it once again for good measure, letting out a groan of frustration. Maybe if he concussed himself this conversation would come to a merciful end. “We had such a chill day,  _ why  _ did you have to bring this up?!”

“Your mum and I agreed, Ted,” Dad replied apologetically. “And also...erm...look, I know that you and Victoire have been spending a lot of time together this summer...” Teddy’s stomach dropped as he slowly lifted his head back up to gaze at his dad, horrified.

“You think...you think  _ Victoire and I _ ?!” he bellowed, leaping to his feet. He couldn’t even bring himself to complete the sentence. Dad was cringing, clearly already regretting his words. Teddy would have almost felt bad for him if he himself didn’t feel so completely mortified right now. “You think  _ we’re _ ....we’re...that specifically, Victoire Weasley and I are... _ Dad, WHAT THE FUCK?!” _

“ _ Teddy _ ! Mind your volume!” 

“ _ Dad! _ ” Agitated, Teddy reached up to pull wildly at his hair with both hands, letting out a groan of frustration.

“Okay, okay,” Dad said hastily, holding his hands up in surrender. “Alright. I’m sorry, Ted, alright? I know this is very odd for you, and I’d like to point out that I’m not exactly enjoying this either. But your mother and I just...we care about you and we want you to be safe, healthy, and happy, that’s all.”

“Okay.” Although Teddy was looking everywhere but Dad’s face, he could tell that Dad was doing the same. “I know that. Thanks. Duly noted and appreciated. Is this over? And if it’s not, can it be?”

“Er - yes. I think it’s best for both of us if we wrap this up now. But if you ever have any questions…”

“Fat chance I’ll ask you, but I know I can if I need to,” Teddy mumbled. He fell back onto the sofa with a defeated thump. 

Dad nodded. “Right. We just want to make sure you’re getting your information from...reliable sources.” 

  
“Got it.” Teddy took another sip of his firewhiskey. There was an extremely long and uncomfortable period of silence. “Right, well, this was an utterly horrifying way to finish off my Saturday night. You mind if I head to bed, Dad?” He still couldn’t look at his father.

“Er - of course that’s fine, Teddy. By the way, can you...don’t breathe a  _ word _ of this to your gran, alright?”

Teddy swung his head around so quickly he was surprised his neck didn’t snap. Honestly, what was  _ wrong  _ with this man? “Have you gone  _ mad _ ? Why in Merlin’s name do you think I would bring this up with  _ Gran _ of all people - seriously, Dad, are you  _ mental _ ?”

“Alright, Teddy, that’s enough with the theatrics.” Teddy glowered at him. “I just wanted to make sure, alright? You know your gran’s one of your fiercest advocates and while that’s something I admire and cherish greatly, I would hate to be on the receiving end of her ire if she thinks I’ve upset you in the slightest.”

“Yes, fine.  _ Merlin _ .” Teddy finished his firewhiskey, setting the glass down on the coffee table and standing up. The alcohol had given him a slight fuzziness in the head, but unfortunately not nearly enough to bear conversing with his father much longer. “Um - is it cool if I go to Victoire’s for a bit tomorrow?” Teddy wasn’t sure he could spend his entire Sunday alone with Dad now, especially since his father looked as if he himself was about to combust from embarrassment any minute. He felt himself flush again as he remembered what his father had implied earlier. “Just to hang out. There’s nothing... _ ugh _ , Dad, I can’t  _ believe _ you said -”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Dad said quickly. “I should not have said that, you’re right. Yes, of course you can go to Victoire’s tomorrow. Er - tell her hi from your Mum and I. And give our best to Bill and Fleur.” He sounded slightly relieved at the prospect of a day alone to recover.

“Cool. Thanks. I will.” Teddy paused before he went down the hallway to his room. He sighed, shuffling his feet. “Um, Dad?”

“Yes, Teddy?”

“Other than - er - whatever the hell just happened, I liked hanging out with you today. Can we do it again soon? But I mean without the...where we don’t - erm - talk about…you know…”

“Yes. Your mother may have to go away for another extended weekend next month, so hopefully that’ll give you enough time to forgive me and recover,” Dad said, smiling slightly. “And we can do whatever you want that weekend. Maybe we can go to the beach. And I solemnly swear there will be no weird sex talks.”

“Okay, cool. Yeah, I like the beach,” Teddy said, relieved. He turned around one more time as he reached the door to his bedroom. “Hey, Dad?”

“Yes, Teddy.”

“This was - er -  _ really really  _ weird. Like, I cannot emphasize how weird this was. And I’m going to go pretend now that the last half hour of my life never happened, but...I love you.” 

“I love you too, Teddy. Goodnight.”

“‘Night, Dad.”

* * *

Tonks quietly opened the front door, managing for once not to stumble over the various pairs of trainers that were usually left in the way by a certain turquoise haired teenage; she realized Remus must have tidied up, as she looked to her right and saw the trainers in question lined neatly up on a mat next to the door. Smiling slightly, she set her bags down as she made her way to the kitchen, where her husband was sitting at the table and looking intently at the newspaper in his hand, brows furrowed over his reading glasses. He always complained that the reading glasses made him feel old, but she thought they were rather sexy and she paused for a moment to watch him.

Even after all these years, after almost losing everything in the war, there were times that Tonks couldn’t quite believe that every day she got to go to a job she loved; and that afterwards, she got to come home to her husband whom she loved, who had also been able to return to a job  _ he  _ loved, and their son, who was...noticeably absent from the table, where he was normally helping his father with the crossword when she managed to make it home at this time. 

Remus looked up when she paused in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame as she smiled at him.

“Wotcher, you.” 

“Dora!” His face broke out into a wide smile as he folded up the paper, setting it down on the table along with his glasses as she made her way over to give him a peck on the lips. “You’re home early.”

“Mmm. Investigation actually wrapped up quite neatly for once in my goddamn career. And Robards seemed to be caught up in a rare moment of cheer and generosity and offered to finish up the paperwork himself so that I could get home to you two. I don’t feel too bad though, I’ve picked up at least three of his shifts in the past month so he owes me one.” She made her way over to the kitchen counter. “Where’s Teddy?”

“He’s over at Victoire’s for the day.”

“Shocking. You’d think those two never get to spend time with each other at school.” She smiled. “How was your boys weekend?”

“Well,” Remus replied slowly, “yesterday was quite nice. I’ve got some ideas for the camera for Christmas. And we did manage to have...er... _ the talk. _ Or part of it, anyway.” 

“And how did that go?” Tonks pulled a set of glasses out from the cupboard, pausing when she went to grab the bottle of firewhiskey. Holding it up and scrutinizing its noticeably lighter contents, she turned to arch an eyebrow her husband, who was watching her sheepishly. “A smashing success, then, I take it?”

“Nothing gets by you, does it?”

“You married an Auror, babe. Of course not.” She split what little remained of the alcohol between two snifters, coming back to join him at the table and pressing a kiss to his cheek as she took a seat next to him, handing him a glass. “How upset was he?”

“Well, we managed to make a little headway before the shouting started.” Tonks hummed sympathetically. “But I made the grave error of mentioning Victoire, and then -”

“Oh, Remus, love,” she said, wincing slightly, “I  _ told  _ you not to say anything about Victoire. You know how touchy he is about that.” 

“I know, I know! But you and I were talking about how much time they’ve spent together lately, and I know you’ve also been wondering if -”

“I know, love, but that should be a totally separate conversation,” she replied. “This kind of thing has to be given to Teddy in small doses. No teenager can handle their father lecturing them about sex  _ and  _ implying that they might be harboring a little crush on their lifelong childhood friend all in one evening.” 

He groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “I know, I wasn’t thinking. And I want him to be careful. I just - ugh - I don’t know how to do this whole sex thing.”

She glanced at him, amused. “I daresay you do,” she said, smirking. He rolled his eyes.

“Not sex, I mean the sex talk.”

“Didn’t your parents ever sit you down for that excruciating conversation? I remember mine like it was yesterday. Merlin, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mum so emotional, it was fucking bizarre. We’ve never spoken of it again. Unspoken agreement to take that conversation to our graves.” 

“My parents - er - they never did quite have that discussion with me,” he admitted. “I mean, you know my dad and I weren’t exactly...close. Since I was a teenager when I found out about his involvement in my...erm…well, even when we were on speaking terms, we were not close enough for that kind of talk, anyway. And he was never quite adept at handling awkwardness, let alone awkwardness with some guilt mixed in for good measure. It would have been an utter disaster so it’s best it didn’t happen, likely. I did not need any more childhood trauma.”

“What about your mum?”

“Mum wanted me to...I mean, of course they wanted me to believe I was normal and that I’d lead a relatively normal life, but still. I don’t think even my mother wanted to get my hopes up too much.” She gave him a questioning look. “Dora, not many people want to...become intimate with a werewolf. Either casually or seriously.” 

She scoffed. “Well, I guess they didn’t count on you meeting a hot Metamorphmagus Auror who’d want to bonk you silly every chance she gets, then, did they?” 

He blushed, chuckling as he took a sip of his whiskey. “I daresay they didn’t.” She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips. 

“I’m sorry, Remus. Maybe we should have done this together. I just really thought that having his mum chime in about sex would have been a  _ little _ too much for our beloved teenager.” 

He sighed. “It’s alright. I didn’t _ quite  _ get a hello this morning, and certainly no eye contact, but I did get a grunt before he left for Victoire’s. So not a complete failure, I don’t think.”

“Did he tell you that you were ruining his life?”

“Actually, no.” Remus smiled slightly.

“Thank god.” Tonks rolled her eyes. “Guess we’ve finally grown out of that stage, then.” 

“I did promise him a beach weekend when you’re in Ireland next month, so that might have softened him up a bit. And better than that, I even got an ‘I love you’ before he headed to bed last night.”

“Wow, unprompted?” Tonks said, impressed.

“Yes, he said it first.” 

“Honestly, I feel like I have to squeeze any drop of affection out of him now that he’s such a ‘cool teenager.’ I rarely get unforced ‘I love yous’ from him anymore, I’m almost a little jealous,” she said, smiling slightly. “He adores you, you know.” She leaned closer, setting her glass back down and biting her lip as she shot an impish look at her husband. “I do too. Maybe I can take advantage of the fact that Teddy’s at Victoire’s to show you just how much I adore you.” She brought her hand up to lay lightly against his chest, fiddling with the top buttons of his shirt as she glanced at him suggestively. 

Remus paled slightly. “Erm, about that. That came up last night, too.” She frowned at him. 

“What came up last night?” she asked slowly.

Remus glanced up, suddenly finding the ceiling apparently extremely interesting. “Er...perhaps it’s something with the dimensions of the room, but...apparently our silencing charms...don’t quite...work. Completely.” Her jaw dropped slightly. 

“You don’t mean…?”

Remus winced, looking rather as if he were in physical pain. “He asked if it’s...normal to  _ schedule... _ well, let’s just say he’s heard enough that he’s got it figured out that we have sex rather depending on your evening shift schedule.” 

She pressed her fingers to her mouth, cringing. “Merlin... _ that’s  _ embarrassing. Fuck. Well, we’ll have to check the charms, then. Poor Teddy.” She glanced at Remus again, raising a suggestive eyebrow. “Any chance you want to check those charms now?”

“ _ Dora! _ ”

“What?” she asked defensively, grinning.

“I just...I’ve just told you that our son has...we’ve  _ traumatized _ our child by -”

“Oh, Remus, it will be okay. I do wish he’d said something, though I can imagine why he didn’t. I would’ve  _ died _ if I’d heard my parents -”

“Dora!” Remus looked horrified. “That’s my point!” 

“Remus, love, it’ll really be okay. We’ll just be extra careful from now on.” She paused thoughtfully. “I know we were thinking that a new camera  _ and  _ tickets to the Weird Sisters reunion tour might be a bit much for one Christmas, but how do you feel about maybe springing for those tickets as well?”

“Are you suggesting we bribe our own son?”   
  


“It’s not a bribe, Remus. More like an apology for being the world’s worst parents.” He dropped his head into his hands, groaning. “Remus! I’m only kidding. I’m assuming you’ve apologized to him. I’m afraid it’ll only make things worse if I bring it up again, and then he’ll  _ really  _ be traumatized, so let’s just be  _ super  _ extra careful from now on, yeah?” 

“Okay,” Remus muttered.

“Might need to make that beach weekend an entire week, too,” she added, laughing as she pulled his hands away from where they were rubbing his temples and giving them a squeeze. “By the way, thanks for tidying up while I was gone. I noticed that Mount Trainer over by the door has been wrangled into a slightly more organized chaos.”

Remus smiled faintly. “I would have asked Teddy to bring them back to his room, but I didn’t feel like pushing my luck much further this morning before he left.” 

“What time is he coming back from Victoire’s?”

“I’m not sure. Likely not for another hour or two, he mentioned he might stay for supper. I don’t think he’s exactly eager to see me anytime soon.” 

“Mmm. It’s just that I missed you this weekend,” she replied, slipping out of her chair to settle onto her husband’s lap instead. He smiled, his arms steadying her as she turned her head to kiss him.

“I missed you too, Dora.” 

“Are you  _ certain _ you don’t want to test out those silencing charms right now?” she said, threading her fingers through his hair as his lips made their way down her neck.

“You are rather persuasive,” he murmured against her throat. She pulled his face back up to press her mouth to his again, groaning softly as he deepened the kiss. His hands tightened on her hips as she pressed herself against him and tugged lightly on his hair, eliciting a low moan from his throat. She really had missed her husband. 

She had just shifted to straddle him when suddenly the front door burst open and they both jumped violently, Tonks banging her elbow against the table behind her. “Hey, Dad, I was -  _ ergh!!! _ ” Tonks quickly slipped rather unsteadily to her feet and turned to see their son standing in the entryway, a look of pure and utter disgust on his face. 

“Teddy, love!” she said brightly. “How was your weeken--”

“Ew!  _ You guys are ruining my life! _ ” he shouted before storming off down the hall to his room, door slamming behind him. 

“Guess we spoke too soon,” Tonks said, biting back a smile before turning to look back down at Remus, who appeared to be absolutely mortified as he shifted uncomfortably in the chair.

“I really didn’t think he would come back this early,” he whispered, looking up at her with wide eyes. “At this rate, I’ll be lucky if he speaks to me before the term starts again.” 

“Oh, he’ll live. At least he knows his parents love each other. I’ll take the blame for this one, you’ve dealt with enough of his ire this weekend. Teddy,” she called, “I’m very sorry, love. We thought you were having dinner at Victoire’s and we didn’t think you would be home for a while yet.” Silence. “Don’t be cross with your father, this isn’t his fault. I had just gotten home and was simply giving him a little hello kiss.” A muffled shriek of disgust came from the direction of Teddy’s room. Tonks glanced back at her husband, who was now fighting back a smile of his own. “Maybe pizza for dinner, then?” she suggested. “A peace offering might be necessary.” 

“We had pizza last night but if that’s what it takes to lure him out of his cave, I can do another night of it,” he sighed. “I don’t particularly feel like cooking, anyway.” 

“Teddy,” Tonks shouted again, “we’re ordering pizza for supper. What toppings would you like?” No response. “Sweetheart, if you don’t let us know what you want, we’re ordering your father’s favorite tonight. I don’t particularly fancy an entire olive pie, either, so you have ten minutes to decide before we call it in.” She sat back down at the table, throwing a crooked grin at Remus. “That’ll get a response out of him. Your taste in pizza topping is atrocious.” 

“Oh, come off it. Olive is far from the worst you could get. At least I don’t like  _ anchovy - _ ” He was interrupted by a tapping on the window. Remus turned in his seat to see Helga, Teddy’s owl, perched on the sill outside. He rolled his eyes. “Oh, for the love of Merlin...” He got up to let the owl in, pulling the scrap of parchment from the bird’s leg as he arched an eyebrow at his wife. “He  _ owled _ us his pizza order. From his bedroom. Were you this dramatic as a child?”

“Of course,” she scoffed. “He certainly didn’t get this from you. What’s it say?”

“It says, ‘Dear Remus and Nymphadora Lupin -’ oh, he’s starting in with that first name nonsense again, I thought we were past  _ that _ as well - ‘I want meat lovers pizza. But I suppose if you  _ really  _ want, you can make half the pie olive topping since dad likes olives. P.S. I will not be joining you two at the table. Please vacate the kitchen before I come out to get my portion. Thank you. Teddy Lupin.’ He actually signed it, just so we’re certain of who it came from. As if another Teddy Lupin would be owling his pizza preference to us right now.” He smirked at Tonks. “And I’d like to take him up on his offer of olive topping, please. Wouldn’t want to waste this rare generosity.” 

“He did  _ not _ write that bit about the olives, you’re having me on.” She snatched the parchment from his hand, scowling as she read it. “He  _ did  _ say that! I told you he adores you,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Fine. And I suppose just this once we’ll let him eat in his room.” 

Once the pizza had arrived, Remus deposited a plate containing several greasy slices on the floor in front of Teddy’s room, along with a butterbeer. He rapped once on the door. “Dinner’s outside, Ted. And - er - when you’re done, just leave the dishes back out here. I’ll take care of them.” He hesitated, wanting to say more, but after receiving no response, he decided this was the best he could do for now. He was halfway back down the hall when he heard a slight crumpling sound and turned around to see that a note had been slid under the door.

  
Coming back to the living room, he waved the scrap of parchment at his wife, who had already made her way through a slice while lounging on the couch. She arched an eyebrow. “So are we to communicate solely through the written word with our son for the rest of the summer? Only because I’ll have to pop to the shops to get more ink and parchment, if that’s the case.” 

Smiling, he handed her the note. 

“Mum and Dad: I do not think I can look at either of you for a couple of days, but it’s just ‘cos I feel embarrassed. I think you do too. You both looked like you had swallowed a couple of puking pastilles when I came home and that’s kind of how I felt too. But just because I am not talking to you right now (or tomorrow...or maybe the rest of the week) does not mean you are bad parents. You are pretty cool parents. I do wish you would not snog in the kitchen though so please do not do that again. That was really gross. We  _ eat _ there, for Merlin’s sake. I also formally request you never mention anything to do with sex around me ever again for the rest of my life until I die. And also perhaps you could leave a chaste six inches between you whenever I am in the room. Thank you. Love you. Love, Teddy.” 

Tonks glanced at her husband, a smile spreading across her face. “Has a way with words, our son. And more than a little flair for the dramatic.” 

He settled in next to her on the couch, glancing down at the parchment again with amusement. “You think he’ll survive this one?” 

She nestled against him as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “The boy was born in the middle of a war. He can handle a little coming-of-age talk and some awkwardness around his parents. Typical teenager stuff.” She smiled. “Notwithstanding the past twenty-four hours, I would say we’ve done pretty well.” 

He turned his head to press a kiss to her temple, smiling contentedly. “We really have.”


End file.
